The time has finally come! You have been looking forward to your child for nine months and hoped, worried and suffered with your partner during the birth. For days, you could hardly believe your happiness. And now the young family is finally going home. But suddenly uncertainty creeps up on you. Now things are getting serious. From now on, you're on your own. And nothing is the same as before. The first few months with a newborn baby can really push you to your physical and mental limits. So it's good to know what awaits you and especially you - as a new father.
Mother and father and baby - more than the sum of all parts
In all the anticipation, parents-to-be often underestimate the dynamics inherent in the transition from couple to family. They also have to get used to the drastically changed daily and night-time routines. And that can be quite stressful.
It is completely normal for the responsibility for the little one to feel like a huge burden at first. Suddenly you're not just responsible for yourself alone, but for a small family. During the months of pregnancy, being a parent was gray theory for you. There have been many conversations with doctors, midwives, your own parents and friends, and you have attended courses and read books - and yet it is overwhelming when you take your child home from the hospital.
In fact, it is not the birth that marks the big change. Rather, it is the moment when you leave the hospital with your child. You and your child were cared for there. Well-trained midwives were always on hand to give you advice and support, and all the procedures were organized for you.
When you left the hospital, you became real parents, so to speak. It's understandable if you're feeling chaotic right now. On the one hand, you may be totally euphoric and overjoyed, and at the same time a dark movie may be playing in your mind's eye. What could go wrong? How are you supposed to cope with this huge responsibility? Becoming a father for the first time is like jumping in at the deep end and initially catapults you far out of your comfort zone.
Take your time to come to terms with the new situation. Here are a few tips on what you can do as a couple and on your own to make the transition easier.
Good preparation
Discuss in advance how you want to organize your life as parents and care for the child. Get in touch with friends who already have children and get involved if you can. Imagine together exactly what life as a family will be like, but also take a close look at the downsides. This way, you won't build any unrealistic castles in the air and prepare yourself mentally for the fact that it won't be a bed of roses.
Distribute tasks
In the first few months of life, babies have virtually no day-night rhythm. So divide up who is on night duty and when. Also decide who takes on which tasks. This takes the pressure off both of you and also avoids arguments that you really don't need right now. At best, it will bring you closer together as a couple if you experience how you play together as a team and can rely on each other. If necessary, you can enlist the help of friends or relatives. It's not written anywhere that you always have to do everything on your own.
Make the most of parental leave
Parental leave means that new parents can take a temporary leave of absence from their job or reduce the number of hours they work. During this time, they receive partial financial support from the state. While the entitlement to parental leave lasts until the child reaches the age of three, parental allowance is only paid in the first 12 or 14 months of the child's life and amounts to 65 to 67 percent of the net income of the parent applying for parental allowance. Another option is Parental Allowance Plus. In this case, the applying parent continues to work half-time. The amount of benefit is reduced by half, but the length of benefit is doubled. The statutory regulations on parental allowance offer a great deal of flexibility. First one partner can take parental leave, then the other, or both can take parental leave at the same time and continue to work part-time. The best thing to do is to enquire at the parental allowance office in your place of residence.
A midwife
New parents are often inexperienced in dealing with their newborn baby at the beginning and therefore unsure. Home visits from your midwife can be a real relief. In the first ten days after the birth, your health insurance will cover up to two home visits a day. After that, you are entitled to up to 16 further appointments over a period of eight weeks after the birth, which can also take place by telephone. You can practise procedures with the midwife and clarify any questions that arise during the day. She is also sure to have one or two effective moves or tricks up her sleeve. This is invaluable help during the transition period and you should definitely make use of it.
Parents and friends
There are times when having friends and family is especially valuable, and now is definitely one of them. Here you will find emotional support to get rid of your frustration, to ground yourself again, but also to get concrete advice and active support. Your parents in particular can be a great help. They have a wealth of experience and often have a completely different perspective and a serene attitude. You can certainly learn a thing or two from them.
Just do it
Almost all parents-to-be devour countless parenting guides, and this is certainly a good source of inspiration. However, it may often be better to listen to your own intuition. Otherwise you run the risk of losing sight of the fact that your child is completely unique in the face of all the general instructions and suggestions in such guides. Many things don't have to work the way the book says.
New things are always strange at first
There will be many firsts for you. And it can feel strange when you dress, change or bathe your baby for the first time. Even the most hardened guy's hands tremble on such occasions. As with many other things, the tip here is simple: go for it. Surrender to the situation. You've already mastered so many new things, and this is no different.
Too small to play soccer
Many fathers don't know what to do with a baby like this, especially in the early days. It can't do anything yet except cry, drink and wet its diapers. Nevertheless, you don't have to wait until your little one can play soccer. You will soon realize that even a dad can do a lot with the baby. Now is your chance to develop a strong bond with your child. Physical contact works wonders and can be amazing fun. But you shouldn't miss any other opportunity to see your child grow up from the very beginning. You can only do this once per child.
Dads have the baby blues too
The birth is also an amazing experience for you as a dad. It marks the beginning of something completely new. A new time is dawning in which an incredible amount will change for you. Until the birth of your child, it was just you and your partner. Up until this point, you have been the most important people to each other. Then a child comes into your lives and everything changes. There are definitely men who have big problems with this change. They often feel like a fifth wheel, because everything now revolves around the child and your sex life is also on the back burner. Many young fathers now try to sort things out for themselves and return to their supposedly freer life before the birth. They meet up with friends, throw themselves into their hobbies or escape into work. This causes additional tension and, if the phase lasts longer, often doesn't end well for the relationship. Instead, you should realize that the baby is also your child and that you share the responsibility. Instead of running away from the situation, you should face it head on. Accept your child and create a bond with them. It's not that difficult. We have a few suggestions to help you get rid of the baby blues very quickly.
- Spend time together: In the first few months of life, babies usually sleep a lot. In the womb, the child always had a soundscape such as the sound of blood, the mother's heartbeat or external noises around it. Therefore, it does not have to be as quiet as a mouse for the baby to sleep. On the contrary, it often doesn't sleep as well in absolute silence. That's why you can also take your baby into your study and let it keep you company. Whether music is playing, you're on the phone or working on your laptop - it will help your child to sleep.
- Walks together: Whether with a baby carriage or baby carrier - fresh air is not only good for your child. Tip: Pay attention to feeding intervals on the way so that the walk doesn't degenerate into stress and hectic.
- Doing housework together: Thanks to the baby carrier system, the baby can simply be strapped on and off you go!
- Naps together: If your child sleeps so much in the early stages, seize the opportunity and do the same - at least with a short nap together. Grab your baby and lay them on your stomach. Place yourself and your child in the middle of the bed and pull a thin blanket over you - and let the little break begin.
- Bathe or shower together: Babies love physical contact. That's why bathing your baby together is an incomparably wonderful experience. But be careful: the water must never be too hot. You can check this with a water thermometer.
- Cuddling together: Because babies enjoy skin contact so much, cuddling is extremely important for bonding. With mothers, this skin-to-skin contact is regularly established through breastfeeding. But you can also cuddle with your child. Make sure the room is well heated. Then strip your child down to their diaper and lay them on your bare chest.
- Baby massage: A baby massage also promotes bonding because it releases the bonding hormone oxytocin.
- Feeding: Not every woman can fully breastfeed, and sooner or later you will probably switch to the bottle. Then you can also take over some of the feeding times.
- Changing: The supreme discipline and at the same time a real relief for mom. And there is hardly anything else that makes you feel so much like a dad.
The paternal instinct - is there such a thing?
Everyone has probably heard of the maternal instinct. But is there actually such a thing as a paternal instinct? There really is, but it has a different focus than the maternal instinct. In extremely simplified terms, you could say that the maternal instinct is about protecting and nurturing the child and is more inwardly focused, whereas the paternal instinct is about protecting and nurturing the whole family and defending the outside world. Some fathers report that this instinct was a little slower in their case and needed some time and bonding before it kicked in. But then they would have thrown themselves in front of a bus without hesitation to save their child. In any case, your role in the partnership and in the family will change. The sense of responsibility grows and suddenly the family takes precedence over everything, including your own interests. And this is where the maternal and paternal instincts are identical, whereas in other respects they complement each other. Mother Nature has deliberately given us different perspectives and tasks. So trust your paternal instinct and let it guide you. Both of you - your partner and you - must accept that your ways of behaving and thinking are sometimes very different.
Don't try to be a bad imitation mother, just be a good original father!
Be authentic and be yourself. You are you. And your child needs both of you. Ideally, you should be completely different from your partner. You run wild with your offspring, are simply more physical, get up to more mischief and trust your child more than their mother. And that's a good thing. Children love these contrasts and need them for their development.
Don't try to be a male mother under any circumstances, but be exactly the real father you want to be for your children - with your very own style.
